TWINKLE TWINKLE..... LITTLE....STAR?

Good Morning Friends. This weekend was full of holiday spirit and cheer. Shopping, setting up the tree, visiting with family and friends, baking Christmas treats [ I'm sorry to escape from the topic at hand but I must take a moment to say that I LOVE BAKING CHRISTMAS GOODIES! Holy Cow: To Die for Fudge, Homemade Caramel Corn, Peanutbutter Balls, Hard Crack Candy, Christmas Cookies, Gingerbread Men, Caramel Swirled & Chocolate Dipped pretzel Rods... ohhhh.. aaand.... Homemade Creme de Menthe Fudge Sauce... IT'S SO FRIGGIN GOOD!!!]

Ok ok ok... so that was way off the subject I know, but it just had to be said. Anyway, I went over to Mom and Dad's this weekend. It was an all around good/hectic time, just as it always is around there. I love my family with my whole heart. They are a little nutty and quite a bit invasive... but there has never been a better family, NEVER.

Quick run down of the family...
Mom - diagnosed with MS years ago and in some of the final stages. A real sweetheart. Still insists on working in whatever way she can, she says it keeps her productive in helping to support her family. She has a wicked sense of humor and I love her for it.

Dad - Retired from law enforcement. A big doofus of a guy. He's so cuddly and lovable.. LOL.. a little slow to the punch sometimes. He's working in his retirement as a substitute teacher. He's my adopted father. I've never met the sperm doner and really have no wish to...this is the only Dad I'll ever need.

Sis J - Married... er... getting divorced, from a friggin twisted, revolting hogarbeast troll! We can all thank the friggin Loard... Blah... I can't even talk about Sis J right now (this is a fairly raw wound- give me a couple weeks and I'll give you the low down on the bastard). Oh.. and I love her even though she married a perverted, psychotic, hemroidal suck navel.

Baby B - My baby sister. A beautiful girl with a brilliant mind. Graduated from HS year before last with a full ride to MSU honors college carrying a double major...she's adorable.

So Anyway,

I'm over at Mom and Dad's house, helping Mom with her ebay stuff when I hear a couple of loud thumps come from upstairs. And when I mean loud, I mean it sounded like a front end loader banging around up there. Well, Mom starts laughing a little under her breath and I know something's up. I look at her inquiringly and she gives me that little mischievous smile as if to say 'just wait, the best is yet to come'.

We must have sat there for a good half an hour with only the occasional shuffle from upstairs. All of a sudden there was a huge crash and some very um.... un-masculine screaming. What the HELL!! I looked over at Mom in alarm to see her completely dissolved in laughter at this point. She waves her hand at me and says, between gasping laughter, "Go, quick, your Dad needs you". Well, my first question was - Where the hell is he!!. My Mom just roared, "I thought you knew," she said. "He's on the roof putting up the Christmas lights!!!".

HOLY SHIT!

I jumped up off the floor, shove my feet into the first shoes I saw and dashed outside. There...on the edge of the front porch roof... was Dad. Tethered at the waist by a rope that ran through the upstairs bedroom window and was ATTACHED to a DOORKNOB!! There were lights all over Hells Half Acre. They were tangled on the ground as well as all over both the porch and main roof with no seeming rhyme nor reason... and there was poor Dad.... also tangled in lights with his close to 300lb frame testing the integrity of the rope.

He let out a bellow that could have scared Satan into the nearest confessional, and as I looked on in horror he began sliding to the edge of the roof. Now friends, he might have made it had he been able to obtain a decent grip on the roof... but, with a belly like Jolly St. Nick himself, he looked more like a human rocking horse teeter-tottering his way down the roof than anything else. As his little legs went over the edge he grabbed the rope with both hands, legs peddling frantically at the air, trying to brace himself on one of the porch columns below.

Knowing there was no way to pull him up from the top I ran around to the shed and grabbed the ladder. Have you ever seen a little person running with a ladder, it's pretty hilarious in itself. Turning the corner I banged the front bumper of Baby B's car just hard enough to set off the alarm. PERFECT! This in turn sets the dogs (2 jack russel's and a cocker) to barking madly in their pen outside. Getting the ladder up and under Dad was a major accomplishment but alas, this was not to be the end of Papa Bear's woes.... it seems that in 'true safety fashion' good old Dad had created some sort of harness with the ropes. Said harness went around the waist and through the legs and had apparently uh... cinched up tight during his fall from glory. I raced inside to grab a pair of scissors to hopefully cut through this nylon rope and relieve him from his agony. Running back outside with a pair of scissors in hand (children should never run with scissors) I started up the ladder with the intention of cutting the ropes. Letting out another unholy scream he frantically slapped at my hand demanding to know what the HELL I intended to do with the scissors! "Save your boys!" I yelled!
"For God's Sake Mara! Just go up and untie the rope so I can climb the hell down!!!"

um... ohh yeah, right!

Racing back upstairs I run to the bedroom and go to open the door... FECK!! You have got to be fecking kidding me!!! 2 years ago my parents had a fire and the guys that came to fix the house had installed doors that swung OUT not IN... there was no way in hell that door was opening with that rope tied around the doorknob from the other side. Running over to the next bedroom (Sis J's old room) I go to yank up the window to climb out...... nothing. I try again....nothing. And then I notice... In typical Sis J fashion the window has been painted shut... nice. Using the closest sharp object (a screwdriver - thank god - Dad has been putting together a little curio cabinet up here for Mom for Christmas).... anyway, I pried the window open, scampered out onto the roof, sawed away at the rope, and finally freed Pops from his nad-pinching prison.

I made it down the stairs just about the time Dad made it through the front door, at which point Mom looked up at both of us and said...

"Did you remember to put all 3 reindeer up there this year? It looks stupid with just the two!"

Dad just stood there in stunned silence. "Well, it does," she said trying to keep a straight face.

I spent the rest of the day helping Dad test and put up lights. We finally finished just before dusk and plugged her in. As we turned to go inside the other houses on the block began to light up. By 7:00 all the neighbors lights were on in a blinking, flashing, blinding myriad of colors with all the grandeur of a Las Vegas Strip.


Getting home Sunday night and gazing at my little holiday wreath on the door I thought.... DAMN, keeping up with the Joneses SUCKS!

::smooches::
Mara