Men Think They Are Just Fart-tastic

From Jim Carey's infamous elevator "IT WAS MEEEEE" to the Shaggy -Scooby Fartathon in their first movie, men and their bodily expulsions have become a source of humor nationwide. Did anyone ever watch the movie Bio Dome where the dudes are ANALYZING their farts... "Tuesdays Cheetos, Poptarts and Red Dye #9".... Jesus Christ!

People, this is a very serious issue. It seems like wherever testosterone abounds so does the resounding sound of a well executed flatulate and the smell of old cheese, coupled with the hardy congratulations from friends on a 'job well done'. I'm telling you now... it's about as appealing as licking a dead toad.

Why this rant you ask? Well let me FRIGGIN TELL YA! My best friend (we'll call him TANGO) in the whole wide world happens to be a guy. I have known him FOREVER, any closer and we would be brother and sister. However, he, like so many other of his hideous species, finds farting absolutely hilarious. For Christ's Sake.. they still sit around and see who can make up the best verse to 'diarrhea Cha-Cha-Cha'! One of his favorites is to fart in the car and roll my window down so it all gets sucked out my way!

Alright.. so last night a bunch of us friends go out to a movie. Decided to see Serenity, it was decent. When we got out of the movie me and Kate went out to the car while TANGO and his friend went to 'drain the hose'- NICE.... apparently men don't go to the bathroom they 'drain hoses', 'drain the vein', 'let the snake spit', 'pinch off a loaf', 'make some bread'.... so friggin repulsive! AAANNNYYYWAY! Tango gets back out to the car, which I already have on because it's friggin freezin in this fuggin State right now, and him and his stoopid friend....(we'll call him BRAVO) just stand there in front of the car. Well, Kate and I are like.. WTF are they freakin doin out there???... when all of a sudden it hits us...... a waft of old cheese, rotten eggs and something dead RIGHT THROUGH THE VENTILATION SYSTEM BECAUSE THE FUCKING HEATER WAS ON! As my stomach turns and my face goes sour I look through the windshield to see Tango and Bravo waiting with baited breath to see if this has worked. First twitch of my nose and they start WHOOPING with unadulterated glee. Hopping the fuck up and down, slapping each others backs.... oooooh yesssss they are just soooooo funny!

You see friends... this is only one in a long line of stories I have regarding the primitive species called 'man' and their asshole acrobatics.

Earlier in the year while camping Kate, Maggie, myself and a few other campers sat around the campfire in disgusted and drunken awe as Tango, Bravo and another (we'll call him Delta) performed flatulatic feats of dexterity and skill. As we looked on, one by one these GROWN MEN proceeded to muster one up, flip their legs up in the air, hold a lighter to their ass and let one go, thus shooting a blue flame at least a foot long straight out their butthole. This was all except for Bravo who's flamage lacked the force of the other two and instead would create a blue ball of flame that traveled up the pantleg of his jeans before fizzling out.

This must have gone of for close to an hour... another point to ponder - do men have a never ending supply of gas?? WTF?? Anyway, about an hour into it Delta gets into position and lets one go... I mean this thing is friggin huge! Well he starts laughing so hard that, all of a sudden, the flame is cut off mid laugh. Well, it took 2 seconds and all fucking hell broke loose... you know how fires can create back drafts... UH HUH.... Delta now apparently has some INTERNAL BURNING going on... Holy Mother of God. He's on the beach, at the waters edge, dragging his ass across the tideline like a dog with a very sorry condition. We ended up actually taking his sorry ass to the ER where Tango and Bravo reiterated the story to the doctor on staff (also male) with childish glee.

The doctor laughed.

Well they fixed Delta up, gave him a prescription for some special ass cream and a bunch of medicated enemas.... CAN YOU IMAGINE.... and sent us on our way. I wonder what the insurance company thought when they got the report for that one?

Anyway, just sharing my misery. ::sigh:: This is yet another of the MANY reasons I'm so glad I'm not a man!

::smooches::

Mara