Mara's Mindless Babble
TIPPY
Hey there again friends. I know I haven't posted in a few days... but as I stated earlier, I've been under a little stress at work. Actually the highlight of the week should actually be classified as more insanity than anything.
Have you ever come across anyone or anything that truly made you question the intelligence of our race as we know it. I mean, we all have a brain and most try to exercise it on a daily basis.... but I'm talking someone sooooo eccentric that they've crossed the line and gone from eccentric to DOWN RIGHT DISTURBING!
Well I was in the office Friday afternoon (I'm an exec assistant), when an interview was sent up to my office. I called into 'Mr. Boss Man' and told him that his interview..... let's call him 'Dingo'.... had arrived. 'Mr. Boss Man' asked me to inform 'Dingo' that he was wrapping up a meeting and would only be a second. After 10 minutes with no 'Mr. Boss Man' and 'Dingo' fidgeting in his seat like he had a flaming case of the crabs, I decided to ease his nervesand strike up a conversation.... it went something like this....
Mara: So... Dingo.... do you live far? Was it a long drive in?
Dingo: Not really, there was a huge traffic accident though. I drove right past it. Police, firetrucks, ambulances all over, I even got to see a body bag.
::wonderful... we're dealing with Dr. Dingo Death here::
Mara: Wow, I had heard that there had been an accident. I guess I didn't realize it was that serious. That's tragic.
Dingo: Yup
Mara: Sooo, um, what do you think of our office? Did you have any difficulty finding it?
Dingo: I like your Halloween decorations, is that cat a candy bucket.
(OK... we're going to stop right here for a second... WTF! Did I ask him about Halloween.. where the hell did that come from. Did he forget to take his friggin Ridilin? What the hell... did I offer you a fuggin snickers from my cat... friggin moronic, twitterpated imbicile)
Mara: Yes, that's my Halloween kitty candy basket.. she's kind of the office pet. ::lame laugh::
(Well the limp bonered nimrod helps himself to a HANDFUL of candy and sits back down... well allllrighty then!)
Mara: um.... help yourself....
Dingo: ::stupidly grins and nods:: So being that you've dubbed the candy basket the office pet does that mean that you like animals?
Mara: ????????? um.. actually, I love animals, how about you.
Dingo: Oh yeah, I'm a HUGE animal lover.
Mara: Really? What do you have?
Dingo: Nine Birds.
Mara: ?????????? NINE........ Birds. Wow, are any of them parrots?
(Now friends... one would have thought that I would have shut my mouth right there... I mean FUCK!! Nine birds... no wonder he doesn't have a wife, girlfriend, kids.... he's probably dwelling in a 1 bedroom apartment swelling with PARROT POOP!)
Dingo: Yeah.. all of them are parrots.
Mara: O.O ::big eyes:: Do any of them talk?
(Holy shit.. was that the wrong question to ask...as you will see in what follows, bad went to worse. For the next 25 minutes I was regaled with parrot-tales from this insipid little twit while 'Mr. Boss Man' was 'gonna be here in just a second'... ::mentally shrieks::)
Well, 'Dingo went into an entire dialogue about his talking parrots. Apparently 6 of the little feathered beasts can talk. He's been interviewing for the last couple of months and during that time his feathered apprentices have been learning a WHOLE LOT....
First I received the story of his little gray parrot that has a 200 word vocabulary and is intelligent enough to build on his vocabulary to the point of carrying on entire conversations all by himself... Sounded to me like 'Dingo' had carried on a few too many conversations 'all by himself'..... if you know what I mean. Anyway.. 'Dingo' told me that at all hours of the day and night this little gray would mimick telephone interviews:
Parrot: BRIINNNNGGGG BRIIIIINNNNGG
Parrot: Awwwwk.... HALLO!
Parrot: Yes.. this is Dingo
Parrot: Awwwk... Tuesday will be fine
Parrot: OK.. See you then
Parrot: Awwwwk!
Parrot: CLICK! Awwwwk!
The dude was frickin TALKING LIKE A PARROT IN MY OFFICE! But it didn't end there... oh no! Dingo proceded to tell me how difficult it is living with 9 parrots, 6 of which can talk... really Dingo? I never would have fucking guessed... you weird ass, feather fluffing, ornothologic pervert! He likened it to living with a bunch of 3 year olds... don't ask. Anyway he said that whenever he answers the phone 'Hello'... it breaks the entire group into a chorus of screeching HALLO! AWWWWKKK!!! HALLO!!!... while he's trying to talk on the phone. To make matters worse apparently he as a Macaw that is somewhat of the 'matriarch' of the group and knows how and when to use the phrase 'Shut up'... So imagine if you can... 'Dingo', sitting in my office, imitating his telephone call with 6 different parrot voices screeching "Hallo!" and one very high and very annoying falsetto voice screaming "SHUT UUUUUPPPP, SHUT UUUUUPPP!!"
About this time I hear a snort come from the office down the hallway... that would be Maggie. Now you see, Maggie and I have a deal. If either of us gets into a bad meeting we have a code word... we page the other person and say "You have an urgent call from Mildred on line 1"... lol... Mildred is such a great name. Anyway, I can hear Maggie snorting with laughter in her office and know I am doomed... no help from Maggie.. traitor.
Well, 'Dingo' calms himself down somewhat and grabs another handful of candy (which I'm personally thinking is a bad idea considering how frikkin hyper the dude is to begin with.) Just when I thought he was finished he looks up with eyes shining and says... "I really love my birds" Well... no friggin DUH ya freak! Then he says... "my favorite is the little gray.. his name is Tippy. We call him Tippy because he has a little balance problem. One minute he'll be sitting on his perch and the next minute... THUNK! He'll be laying on the bottom of his cage staring at you." In stunned silence I continue to listen to this bird loving hermit... "but you don't need to worry about Tippy," he says, "the very next minute he's back up on his perch"
At this point 'Dingo' begins pumping his arms back and forth while sitting in his chair in an immitation of 'Tippy' swinging on his perch. "Nope, not Tippy.... he can really get that perch swinging and every time he falls down he gets right back up and starts singing.....
Dingo: TIPPY FELL DOWN BUT TIPPY'S OK
Dingo: TIPPY FELL DOWN BUT TIPPY'S OK
::whistle::
Dingo: TIPPY FELL DOWN BUT TIPPY'S OK!
At this point we heard footsteps coming down the hallway.. 'Dingo' composed himself, cleared his throat (after all that fucking warbling), straightened his tie and shook hands with 'Mr. Boss Man'.
I sat is stunned silence as 'Dingo' was led off into his interview. From behind me I heard another snort as Maggie fell out into the hallway, red faced and literally dying of laughter... I ranted and raved at her for not helping me out to which she said she couldn't... she had been laughing too hard to pick up the phone. I wasn't truly mad... I would have done the same thing to her had situations been reversed!
An hour later 'Mr. Boss Man' and 'Dingo' came out from the interview. Maggie and I waited while he was shown to the door then both gathered at the door to 'Mr. Boss Man's' office.
Mara: So, what did you think?
Mr. Boss Man: ....::pregnant pause::..... Well.... I liked him!
O.O !!!! He plans to call and make 'Dingo' an offer today. HAPPY FUCKING MONDAY TO ME!
::smooches::
Mara
Hey there again friends. I know I haven't posted in a few days... but as I stated earlier, I've been under a little stress at work. Actually the highlight of the week should actually be classified as more insanity than anything.
Have you ever come across anyone or anything that truly made you question the intelligence of our race as we know it. I mean, we all have a brain and most try to exercise it on a daily basis.... but I'm talking someone sooooo eccentric that they've crossed the line and gone from eccentric to DOWN RIGHT DISTURBING!
Well I was in the office Friday afternoon (I'm an exec assistant), when an interview was sent up to my office. I called into 'Mr. Boss Man' and told him that his interview..... let's call him 'Dingo'.... had arrived. 'Mr. Boss Man' asked me to inform 'Dingo' that he was wrapping up a meeting and would only be a second. After 10 minutes with no 'Mr. Boss Man' and 'Dingo' fidgeting in his seat like he had a flaming case of the crabs, I decided to ease his nervesand strike up a conversation.... it went something like this....
Mara: So... Dingo.... do you live far? Was it a long drive in?
Dingo: Not really, there was a huge traffic accident though. I drove right past it. Police, firetrucks, ambulances all over, I even got to see a body bag.
::wonderful... we're dealing with Dr. Dingo Death here::
Mara: Wow, I had heard that there had been an accident. I guess I didn't realize it was that serious. That's tragic.
Dingo: Yup
Mara: Sooo, um, what do you think of our office? Did you have any difficulty finding it?
Dingo: I like your Halloween decorations, is that cat a candy bucket.
(OK... we're going to stop right here for a second... WTF! Did I ask him about Halloween.. where the hell did that come from. Did he forget to take his friggin Ridilin? What the hell... did I offer you a fuggin snickers from my cat... friggin moronic, twitterpated imbicile)
Mara: Yes, that's my Halloween kitty candy basket.. she's kind of the office pet. ::lame laugh::
(Well the limp bonered nimrod helps himself to a HANDFUL of candy and sits back down... well allllrighty then!)
Mara: um.... help yourself....
Dingo: ::stupidly grins and nods:: So being that you've dubbed the candy basket the office pet does that mean that you like animals?
Mara: ????????? um.. actually, I love animals, how about you.
Dingo: Oh yeah, I'm a HUGE animal lover.
Mara: Really? What do you have?
Dingo: Nine Birds.
Mara: ?????????? NINE........ Birds. Wow, are any of them parrots?
(Now friends... one would have thought that I would have shut my mouth right there... I mean FUCK!! Nine birds... no wonder he doesn't have a wife, girlfriend, kids.... he's probably dwelling in a 1 bedroom apartment swelling with PARROT POOP!)
Dingo: Yeah.. all of them are parrots.
Mara: O.O ::big eyes:: Do any of them talk?
(Holy shit.. was that the wrong question to ask...as you will see in what follows, bad went to worse. For the next 25 minutes I was regaled with parrot-tales from this insipid little twit while 'Mr. Boss Man' was 'gonna be here in just a second'... ::mentally shrieks::)
Well, 'Dingo went into an entire dialogue about his talking parrots. Apparently 6 of the little feathered beasts can talk. He's been interviewing for the last couple of months and during that time his feathered apprentices have been learning a WHOLE LOT....
First I received the story of his little gray parrot that has a 200 word vocabulary and is intelligent enough to build on his vocabulary to the point of carrying on entire conversations all by himself... Sounded to me like 'Dingo' had carried on a few too many conversations 'all by himself'..... if you know what I mean. Anyway.. 'Dingo' told me that at all hours of the day and night this little gray would mimick telephone interviews:
Parrot: BRIINNNNGGGG BRIIIIINNNNGG
Parrot: Awwwwk.... HALLO!
Parrot: Yes.. this is Dingo
Parrot: Awwwk... Tuesday will be fine
Parrot: OK.. See you then
Parrot: Awwwwk!
Parrot: CLICK! Awwwwk!
The dude was frickin TALKING LIKE A PARROT IN MY OFFICE! But it didn't end there... oh no! Dingo proceded to tell me how difficult it is living with 9 parrots, 6 of which can talk... really Dingo? I never would have fucking guessed... you weird ass, feather fluffing, ornothologic pervert! He likened it to living with a bunch of 3 year olds... don't ask. Anyway he said that whenever he answers the phone 'Hello'... it breaks the entire group into a chorus of screeching HALLO! AWWWWKKK!!! HALLO!!!... while he's trying to talk on the phone. To make matters worse apparently he as a Macaw that is somewhat of the 'matriarch' of the group and knows how and when to use the phrase 'Shut up'... So imagine if you can... 'Dingo', sitting in my office, imitating his telephone call with 6 different parrot voices screeching "Hallo!" and one very high and very annoying falsetto voice screaming "SHUT UUUUUPPPP, SHUT UUUUUPPP!!"
About this time I hear a snort come from the office down the hallway... that would be Maggie. Now you see, Maggie and I have a deal. If either of us gets into a bad meeting we have a code word... we page the other person and say "You have an urgent call from Mildred on line 1"... lol... Mildred is such a great name. Anyway, I can hear Maggie snorting with laughter in her office and know I am doomed... no help from Maggie.. traitor.
Well, 'Dingo' calms himself down somewhat and grabs another handful of candy (which I'm personally thinking is a bad idea considering how frikkin hyper the dude is to begin with.) Just when I thought he was finished he looks up with eyes shining and says... "I really love my birds" Well... no friggin DUH ya freak! Then he says... "my favorite is the little gray.. his name is Tippy. We call him Tippy because he has a little balance problem. One minute he'll be sitting on his perch and the next minute... THUNK! He'll be laying on the bottom of his cage staring at you." In stunned silence I continue to listen to this bird loving hermit... "but you don't need to worry about Tippy," he says, "the very next minute he's back up on his perch"
At this point 'Dingo' begins pumping his arms back and forth while sitting in his chair in an immitation of 'Tippy' swinging on his perch. "Nope, not Tippy.... he can really get that perch swinging and every time he falls down he gets right back up and starts singing.....
Dingo: TIPPY FELL DOWN BUT TIPPY'S OK
Dingo: TIPPY FELL DOWN BUT TIPPY'S OK
::whistle::
Dingo: TIPPY FELL DOWN BUT TIPPY'S OK!
At this point we heard footsteps coming down the hallway.. 'Dingo' composed himself, cleared his throat (after all that fucking warbling), straightened his tie and shook hands with 'Mr. Boss Man'.
I sat is stunned silence as 'Dingo' was led off into his interview. From behind me I heard another snort as Maggie fell out into the hallway, red faced and literally dying of laughter... I ranted and raved at her for not helping me out to which she said she couldn't... she had been laughing too hard to pick up the phone. I wasn't truly mad... I would have done the same thing to her had situations been reversed!
An hour later 'Mr. Boss Man' and 'Dingo' came out from the interview. Maggie and I waited while he was shown to the door then both gathered at the door to 'Mr. Boss Man's' office.
Mara: So, what did you think?
Mr. Boss Man: ....::pregnant pause::..... Well.... I liked him!
O.O !!!! He plans to call and make 'Dingo' an offer today. HAPPY FUCKING MONDAY TO ME!
::smooches::
Mara
posted by Mara @ 6:35 AM
18 Comments:
At 10:02 AM,
Unknown said…
So, when you buying a parrot? You'll have an expert right there in the office..... lucky girl...
;-)
At 11:24 AM,
honkeie said…
Wow, you need to write a book" You know you are in strange company when ..."
Or " How to find out if the person sitting next to you is crazy with 3 simple questions"
You sooo opened a can of worms with this guy lol. But being in a job similar to yours I have learned to be nice to everyone. Because you never know, the person sitting in front of you for an interview can be your new boss someday. And yes that did happen to me once. Luckily I was realllly nice to him when he came in lol.
At 11:34 AM,
nitewalk6 said…
Funny funny stuff. Start planning your escape routes for when he is headed down the hallway (and don't plan on any help from Mildred). You could also tell him that the only meat you eat is "bird"
At 11:49 AM,
... said…
LOL!! Ok i'm sure this will piss people off - but i can't stand birds. I have pets, i love my pets, i have too many pets - but birds are annoying as all hell. On top of that i've always found something odd about "bird people." Now i'm not talking about the guy or gal who has one freakin bird - or who has a parrot - or even a pair so they aren't lonely - i mean "bird people." Ya know those folks with a whole bunch of birds and freak out over thier birds - those people scare me.
I just can't image why this guy doesn't already have a job (dripping with sarcasm).
At 12:30 PM,
The Village Idiot said…
Hey, I have a red vampire like hall you could lose your sanity in...interested?
At 1:31 PM,
S said…
Hi Mara! Im Oatys mom! For more of Oaty, come see my blog! Thanks for visiting Meow Mondays!
At 1:38 PM,
Thomcat said…
warning, adult ADD strikes Mara's office ! break out the ritalin !!
At 2:39 PM,
Aisha T. said…
Hey, maybe on his first day working you should pop your head in and saw in parrot voice: "MARA SAYS HELLO! MARA SAYS HELLO!" Then have Maggie come behind you and push you down yelling in parrot voice: "SHUT UP!!!!" Calmly brush yourself off, get up and squawk: "MARA FELL DOWN BUT MARA'S OKAY." *whistle*
Hey, the least you could do is make the poor bloke feel at home. He's gotta be missing his nine babies.
P.S. Make sure you wear a feather boa to work that day to give him the complete effect.
At 2:55 PM,
Handsome B. Wonderful said…
Oh god, he's going to be your co-worker?? Ugh.
At 5:39 PM,
Robin said…
I'm so glad you stopped by my blog today! I love your attitude.
This story was frightening! Everyone is usually a little nervous on a job interview, but I hope to HELL I never made a bird-brain first impression like Dingo's.
Bless your heart for trying -- sorry you made friends with the little fucker. It's gonna be a long 90day probationary period, huh?
At 5:35 AM,
A Bronx Tale said…
haaaaaaaaaaaaa
are you kidding me....
my friend has a parrot but not that outrageous...
haaaaaaaaaaaa i'd die laughing as well and would probably just sit back and enjoy the show while you get the pleasure of talking to this dingo
At 7:23 AM,
~art said…
"AAARRRRRRRGH" "Happy Monday" "AAAARGH"
At 9:09 AM,
Anonymous said…
I love pets, but this guy takes it too far. I agree with the commenter that said, I think, that you should tell her you LOVE birds. On your plate. Turkey, chicken, parrots prob taste like chicken....
At 12:35 PM,
melmar said…
Polly want a job?! Hello.
I squirmed while reading that. Although I love all animals, birds are really dirty, loud, attention hungry nuisances. I can't imagine having NINE of them.
I hope he declines the offer for your sake. Keep us posted.
At 1:09 PM,
Becky said…
I'm sorry but I would have just busted out laughing in that guys face! That is too freaking funny! Birds! Birds! I can understand dogs or cats, but Birds! Those birds he was talking about are really expensive too, I considered getting one once but a bird just isn't cuddly enough.
At 1:22 PM,
Drywall Mom said…
You should have told your boss what he did while he was wating for the interview so that way if he was acting different for the interview he would know that and he wont have to go through the hassle of firing hime before his 90 days are up.
At 8:16 PM,
bricotrout said…
i was buying this whole story until you got to the part about him flailing his arms! NO WAY! sorry! aint buying it! unless you guys get tax breaks for hiring recently released mental patients then there is no way some guy was idiot enough to start flailing his arms while waiting for an interview!
anyway, its a great story!!
At 6:39 AM,
Mara said…
LOL... not flailing!! Kind of ... it's hard to explain!! um..swinging them back and fort a little with the elbows bent. Kind of like when you make a fist and pump your arms while running but both arms are going in the same direction.
Swear to GOD it happened. Hell... I'll swear on your little bald head it happened... it was hilarious.
::smooches::
Mara
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