My Sense of Humor is a Death Wish

Have you ever stopped to analyze an aspect of your personality and come to the realization that you yourself are one MESSED UP individual! Well, that is exactly what happened to me the other day with regard to my sick and sadistic sense of humor.

You must understand friends... I come from a LOOOOONG line of humorously twisted minds. For instance ~~~~~~~~~~~~~begins reminiscing~~~~~~~~~~~

One year when I was about 13 my grandfather, a notorious jokester, removed the hood ornament from my grandmothers chevy station wagon telling her it had been stolen. It was the middle of the winter and cold as hell outside. Grandpa went into his backroom and pulled a dead mouse out of one of the traps he had set (we lived in the country people - lots of mice). Grandpa then proceeded to freeze Mr. Mouse to the hood of Grammy's car. AS IF it weren't enough to have a mouse frozen to the hood of the car, Grandpa had put a little cocktail umbrella in it's paws and froze that there as well. He was so proud of that. Grammy was infuriated but sported Mr. Mouse on the hood of her car for a good 2 months... FRIGGIN PRICELESS PEOPLE!

~~~~~~~~~~~~reminiscing once again~~~~~~~~~

Moving onto another devious joking master mind in my family...... I will never forget the night before my father's vasectomy. The doctor had sent a list of things he would need to bring to the appointment, one of them was an athletic supporter. Dad had packed everything he was going to need into a little duffle bag and gone to bed to dream of um.... well I wouldn't wager a guess as to what his dreams were that night... I mean come on people, the man was gettin his boys snipped, that can't be too pleasant. And I would imagine the prelude of thoughts accompanying the actual event isn't a picnic either. Anyway, after Dad had gone to bed, my Mom um...... made sure everything was in order for the next day, she didn't want him to be ill prepared - she's awful sweet like that ::wicked little grin::

Well, Dad went in the next day and got his nads nipped. At the end of the procedure with the doctor and nurse in attendance dear old Dad was asked to produce the 'support' he would be wearing home. He reached into the box and pulled out......... a confection of pink frothy lace, sequins and little applique hearts. It seems that Mommy dearest had made a few um.... adjustments to said 'support'. This thing looked like something from a Las Vegas Drag Queen Reunion!!! Well the doctor and nurse both lost it and Dad, about ready to die, had to wear that exquisite little thing home....

LMAO.... good stuff people, good stuff.

Which brings me to this past weekend.... Christmas. Christmas morning had come and gone and Tango and I were pretty much both exhausted from all the activities and last minute shopping leading up to it. However, we had one more Christmas we had to go to, my parents.

I could see that Tango was exhausted... pathetic little purple shadows under his eyes, yawning every couple of seconds.. So, being the sweet pixie I am, I offered to drive. My parents live a good hour and a half away and it would give him a nice little nap before being thrown to the wolves ::waggles her eyebrows::

It took me about ten minutes to get to the highway during which Tango reclined his chair and made himself comfortable. 20 minutes into the trip Tango began to snore softly... awww.... poor tired little baby.

Now friends... you must understand, I have the attention span of a retarded fruit fly. I need to be entertained almost constantly or I will FIND SOMETHING to entertain me. I think that's why I can multi-task so well - need to keep my mind very active.

So, I begin humming to myself... which turns into tapping out a rhythm in sinc with Tango's little snores... bah dah dah dah..... Up in the distance I see a semi hauler (you know, a semi that hauls semi's) and begin to sing...

"Big Wheel keep on turnin... Proud Mary keep on Burnin and we're Rollin ..ROLLIN...Rollin...ROLLIN.... Rollin on a River...

Peeping over at Tango sleeping so contentedly I just couldn't help myself. Easing up behind the Semi hauler, getting as close as I possibly could, I matched his speed and set the cruise control. Now, if you've ever seen a semi hauler, you know that they haul the semi rigs backwards on them......::grin::

Placing both hands on the wheel and giving one last look at the darling sleeping Tango... I scream OH MY GOD!! And let out a shriek that would have made Satan stand up and shake.

Tango's eyes flew wide open and seeing what appears to be the grill of an 18 wheeler coming through our windshield head on.. lets out a scream to equal mine and throws both arms over his face and brings one knee up to his chest preparing for impact....

I.... just.... DIED!! It was so damn funny. Realizing that he hadn't been squashed and hearing my maniacal laughter he knew he'd been PUNKED! Do I need to say that he was just a tad less than enchanted with me?? In all sincerity, once the look of sheer heart-stopping terror had left his face, he kind of looked like he wanted to murder someone... um.. me? Seriously people, he didn't speak to me for TWO WHOLE DAYS.... do you know how bored I got... Damn!

So now I'm in the process of 'making it up to him'... blah blah blah... ::sigh:: I know it was mean.... BUT DAMN WAS IT FUNNY! ::slaps her leg::

::smooches::

Mara

THE BEST OF HNT

Well friends... I thought and thought about what to post for this one.... breasts? legs? thighs? the full monty?

But, when I really went back through to see all the pics I had posted there was only one that I thought showed more of the actual 'me' than any other....

So without further adieu' ...

I give you...

A SURVIVOR PICTURE.


Wishing all of you health and happiness in the New Year.






::smooches everyone::
Mara

Oh Woe is Me.....

I was sick all through Christmas my bloggy peep friends!!!

Tango finally took me coughing, sniffling and crying to the urgent care clinic today.

A couple hours and a hoard of tests later, they determined that I was going to survive after all..... I'm just a snotty mess! LOL... ear infections, sinus infection and bronchitis... They gave me 4 perscriptions though and one has some hydrocodone... so I'm feelin good.. ooooh yeah.

Anyhow, I was sick for Christmas... and all the days before it as well... ever woken up with your pillow stuck to your face with snot... yeah...it's quite nice, I would recommend it to anyone. ::shudder::

So, didn't mean to ignore you all. I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas... and now that I think about it, today is Many Hugs Monday.....

Sorry I'm so late... if you send me your loved ones that need hugs I'll post them on here with links to their sites - or yours - whatever I can find....
Or, if you're feeling brave and are unafraid of e-cooties, you can give hugs to me... God knows I need them.

Merry Christmas everyone... you all have become pretty special to me.

::smooches::
Mara

5 WEIRD THINGS ABOUT ME!!

I've been tagged Leela!! Here are the rules; the first player of this game starts with the topic 'Five weird habits of yourself' the people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly- In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Don’t forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says “You are tagged” (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours. Leela actually said that she was tagging me because she thought my answers might be weirder than her's LMFAO.

Alright you bloggy peeps... here we go...

5 Weird Things About Me:

1. I randomly hiss at people that walk by my desk at work.. for that matter, I randomly hiss at people in public places. I think it's the reaction I crave - Tango thinks I'm looney.

2. My bra and underwear have to match every day. I would sooner go without than not match.

3. I haven't thrown away any of the stuffed animals from my childhood because after reading The Velveteen Rabbit I believe they all have feelings and can't get over it.

4. I'll eat corn on my potatoes or carrots mashed with potatoes but neither corn nor carrots seperately.

5. I sleepwalk all the time and have full conversations while doing so with people that I'm dreaming about.

Well Leela... what do you think? Weirder than you?

Ok... I am tagging the following people:

Aisha

Co'Joe

Exseno

Honkeie

Spencer

Aren't you 5 just the luckiest people in the world LOL

::smooches::

Mara

I HAVE COOTIES!!! OH NO!

How friggin unfair is that. I'll probably be sick for Christmas.

It's all those blasted Christmas parties I've been going to..... kissing babies and relatives that I haven't seen for a whole year... sharing germs.... ::shudders::

Anyway, I wish I could be at home snuggled up with a blanket in the chair by the fireplace... but nope... not a chance in hell. I'm at work. Then after work I have to go shopping for executive gifts ...... WHY can no one else do this job you ask??? Because most of them are men and as they told me just this afternoon "that would take effort on our part.. we'll just donate the cash". Well little misters... where the fuck are you when I want to go shopping for ME!!!!.... SHIT... I could just hear it... "Excuse me Mr. C and Mr. B, I'm going shopping this afternoon for a new suit and some matching shoes. Do you think you could come with me to help me pick them out?"..... ::blank stares:: Mr. C says "um..... that would take effort on our part... we'll just donate the cash". Yeah that'll be the flippin day!

So anyway... I feel like complete trash-o-lah. I'll probably be sick for Christmas. Tango will probably get sick... Damn.. what a vicious cycle.

And in the middle of my personal tragedy I have to put up with all this politically correct flippin 'Holiday Tree' shit! It's a Christmas tree... friggin get over it! Pledge alliegance to our flag because it's what's protecting your ass! 'In God We Trust' on our money is no more offensive than the pagan 'pyramid with all seeing eye' but nobody has a problem with that shit. You don't see the Greeks being asked to tear down all their pagan temples yet it's ok to scrape the 10 Commandments off our Federal Buildings... yeah.. go blow it out your ass! IT'S PART OF OUR FRIGGIN HERITAGE! OUR HERITAGE PEOPLE..... Not religion... heritage...

Fine, whatever... do whatever the fuck seems politically correct.....and soon enough America will become the country with no heritage or history. Isn't that just fucking fabulous...

Damn... I guess I'm in a really crappy mood because I'm not feeling good. ::shrug:: maybe that's the only time I'm truly honest.

::adjusts her halo::
I think I need a drink

::smooches::
Mara

THE CHRISTMAS EDITION OF
MANY HUGS MONDAY!!

I would like to bestow hugs upon the following bloggy peeps:

Aisha cause she's going postal
Spencer for his little girl.. she needs extra ones
Armaedes LMAO... because a rant like that deserves a hug!
Audry & Marie via Pirate

Ok people... give me your needs... tell me the people that need hugs. I will post them on here just as soon as I'm able.

When visiting my blog today, make sure to check out the special peeps at these links and give them a hug.

MERRY FRIGGIN CHRISTMAS YA ALL!!!

::SMOOCHES::

MARA

HAPPY HNT

And... nothing like shameless promotion... but please read my VERY FIRST Christmas Story below :)

::smooches::
Mara

A VERY FAIRY CHRISTMAS STORY

Once upon a time, and not so long ago, there was a beautiful Fairy Ice Princess (we'll call her Princess Amara). She lived in a sparkling ice kingdom and was very very happy...







Princess Amara had many jobs and was always busy doing something fabulous.... helping make snowflakes, lending a hand to the tooth fairy... you know, cool stuff.
But her most favorite thing to do was help Santa. Santa's a really neat guy... and he smells like cookies. Everyone who knows ANYTHING knows that fairies LOVE cookies.








Some of Santa's helpers at the radio station close to Princess Amara's castle were doing something really special. The city's transportation department had donated a bus for them to fill with toys for needy children. Princess Amara thought this was very noble and went to WalMart right away to buy a dump truck, an Easy Bake Oven, a sled and a shiney new bike. She flew across the parkinglot straightaway and gave the toys to the handsome Marines officer who was helping to collect the toys and stuff the bus.

Night and day Santa's helpers from the radio station kept vigil over the bus, encouraging their listeners to bring toys and spreading holiday cheer, until one day a man came and knocked on the door to the bus.......




Santa's helpers from the radio station greeted him with warm smiles and holiday cheer.

"Thanks for stopping by, have you come to deliver a toy?" they asked.

"NO!" said the man with an angry snarl.
"I've come to shut this silly operation down. I HATE anything to do with Christmas and I OWN this parking lot! I don't care about toys or kids or Christmas! Take your bus away from here or I'll have it towed away!!"
With that he stormed off into the snow....

Well, Santa's helpers were very sad and the little one, began to cry. But, with the help of the big man at the radio station they found a new place to set up their Christmas bus, and as soon as the word spread, toys were coming in from all over... boxes, bags and truckloads of them!

Well, Princess Amara was very happy that things had turned out so well. But, there was one thing she felt still had to be taken care of.

Gathering all her Ice Princess power she created oodles and kaboodles of snowflakes. She made snowflakes all though the night never once stopping, not even to eat sugar cookies.

In the morning she looked out over the mean man's house with an angelic smile...... and thought...............................


DIG YOUR WAY OUT OF THAT ONE SUCKER!











******************

Christmas is a season of love and giving. Please donate to your local charities! For all the locals, drop by Victors Way and help Bubba and Katie from W4Country STUFF THE BUS!

::smooches::
Mara

MANY HUGS MONDAYS

Ok all my blogging peeps. I'm implementing Many Hugs Mondays.

As I got back to my computer today and started sifting through emails and checking in on my bloggy blog friends.... it became VERY APPARENT to me that some of ya'all just need a hug. Hell knows from time to time I do..

THEREFORE, without further delay, I give you 'Many Hugs Monday'. This is how it works. If I think you need a hug... I'm posting your name with a link on my site. If you all come and check out this post and know of someone that needs a hug.... drop me a line via email or in my message posts and I will edit their link into the 'Many Hugs Monday, Bloggy Friends Needing Hugs'.

Now the whole purpose of this is to spread the love... click on their link. Give them encouragement.. a hug... a kick in the pants... whatever. BUT BE NICE!!!

Who knows, sometimes a word from a friend... or a stranger... makes all the difference.

Bloggy Peeps Needing Hugs Today:
Brother Esquire (with regard to open mouth insert foot)
Brico (cause he got a jingle bell stuck up his nose)
Honkeie (cause he's just plain havin a suck ass day)
Jungle Cowboy (cause his small beastie is sick)
Natalia (because she's working her sexy body)
Kalani (cause she's a dating goddess)
Wopanese (cause his privacy was violated)
BuccoTom's Gunn Moll (cause it's her birthday!)
Suze (cause her cat's ignoring her)



Ok... if there is anyone else out there that needs a hug... you LET ME KNOW!! I'll put their name up here and we'll take care of them in fine style.

::smooches::
Mara

HNT UPDATE!!!
OK.. I SPENT A VERY COLD NIGHT WITH BARELY ANY POWER... APPARENTLY MYSELF AND THE TWO NEIGHBORING HOUSES ARE EXPERIENCING A... BURNOUT??? WE ONLY HAVE LIKE ENOUGH POWER TO RUN A FEW LIGHTS AND EVEN THOSE LOOK DIM...GRRR. DTE HAS ASSURED ME THAT I WILL HAVE POWER WHEN I GET HOME THIS EVENING.. SO UNTIL THEN... HERE'S A LITTL HNT RECAP. HOPE IT WORKS FOR YA... I'LL POST THE LATEST TONIGHT.

::SMOOCHES::
MARA

TWINKLE TWINKLE..... LITTLE....STAR?

Good Morning Friends. This weekend was full of holiday spirit and cheer. Shopping, setting up the tree, visiting with family and friends, baking Christmas treats [ I'm sorry to escape from the topic at hand but I must take a moment to say that I LOVE BAKING CHRISTMAS GOODIES! Holy Cow: To Die for Fudge, Homemade Caramel Corn, Peanutbutter Balls, Hard Crack Candy, Christmas Cookies, Gingerbread Men, Caramel Swirled & Chocolate Dipped pretzel Rods... ohhhh.. aaand.... Homemade Creme de Menthe Fudge Sauce... IT'S SO FRIGGIN GOOD!!!]

Ok ok ok... so that was way off the subject I know, but it just had to be said. Anyway, I went over to Mom and Dad's this weekend. It was an all around good/hectic time, just as it always is around there. I love my family with my whole heart. They are a little nutty and quite a bit invasive... but there has never been a better family, NEVER.

Quick run down of the family...
Mom - diagnosed with MS years ago and in some of the final stages. A real sweetheart. Still insists on working in whatever way she can, she says it keeps her productive in helping to support her family. She has a wicked sense of humor and I love her for it.

Dad - Retired from law enforcement. A big doofus of a guy. He's so cuddly and lovable.. LOL.. a little slow to the punch sometimes. He's working in his retirement as a substitute teacher. He's my adopted father. I've never met the sperm doner and really have no wish to...this is the only Dad I'll ever need.

Sis J - Married... er... getting divorced, from a friggin twisted, revolting hogarbeast troll! We can all thank the friggin Loard... Blah... I can't even talk about Sis J right now (this is a fairly raw wound- give me a couple weeks and I'll give you the low down on the bastard). Oh.. and I love her even though she married a perverted, psychotic, hemroidal suck navel.

Baby B - My baby sister. A beautiful girl with a brilliant mind. Graduated from HS year before last with a full ride to MSU honors college carrying a double major...she's adorable.

So Anyway,

I'm over at Mom and Dad's house, helping Mom with her ebay stuff when I hear a couple of loud thumps come from upstairs. And when I mean loud, I mean it sounded like a front end loader banging around up there. Well, Mom starts laughing a little under her breath and I know something's up. I look at her inquiringly and she gives me that little mischievous smile as if to say 'just wait, the best is yet to come'.

We must have sat there for a good half an hour with only the occasional shuffle from upstairs. All of a sudden there was a huge crash and some very um.... un-masculine screaming. What the HELL!! I looked over at Mom in alarm to see her completely dissolved in laughter at this point. She waves her hand at me and says, between gasping laughter, "Go, quick, your Dad needs you". Well, my first question was - Where the hell is he!!. My Mom just roared, "I thought you knew," she said. "He's on the roof putting up the Christmas lights!!!".

HOLY SHIT!

I jumped up off the floor, shove my feet into the first shoes I saw and dashed outside. There...on the edge of the front porch roof... was Dad. Tethered at the waist by a rope that ran through the upstairs bedroom window and was ATTACHED to a DOORKNOB!! There were lights all over Hells Half Acre. They were tangled on the ground as well as all over both the porch and main roof with no seeming rhyme nor reason... and there was poor Dad.... also tangled in lights with his close to 300lb frame testing the integrity of the rope.

He let out a bellow that could have scared Satan into the nearest confessional, and as I looked on in horror he began sliding to the edge of the roof. Now friends, he might have made it had he been able to obtain a decent grip on the roof... but, with a belly like Jolly St. Nick himself, he looked more like a human rocking horse teeter-tottering his way down the roof than anything else. As his little legs went over the edge he grabbed the rope with both hands, legs peddling frantically at the air, trying to brace himself on one of the porch columns below.

Knowing there was no way to pull him up from the top I ran around to the shed and grabbed the ladder. Have you ever seen a little person running with a ladder, it's pretty hilarious in itself. Turning the corner I banged the front bumper of Baby B's car just hard enough to set off the alarm. PERFECT! This in turn sets the dogs (2 jack russel's and a cocker) to barking madly in their pen outside. Getting the ladder up and under Dad was a major accomplishment but alas, this was not to be the end of Papa Bear's woes.... it seems that in 'true safety fashion' good old Dad had created some sort of harness with the ropes. Said harness went around the waist and through the legs and had apparently uh... cinched up tight during his fall from glory. I raced inside to grab a pair of scissors to hopefully cut through this nylon rope and relieve him from his agony. Running back outside with a pair of scissors in hand (children should never run with scissors) I started up the ladder with the intention of cutting the ropes. Letting out another unholy scream he frantically slapped at my hand demanding to know what the HELL I intended to do with the scissors! "Save your boys!" I yelled!
"For God's Sake Mara! Just go up and untie the rope so I can climb the hell down!!!"

um... ohh yeah, right!

Racing back upstairs I run to the bedroom and go to open the door... FECK!! You have got to be fecking kidding me!!! 2 years ago my parents had a fire and the guys that came to fix the house had installed doors that swung OUT not IN... there was no way in hell that door was opening with that rope tied around the doorknob from the other side. Running over to the next bedroom (Sis J's old room) I go to yank up the window to climb out...... nothing. I try again....nothing. And then I notice... In typical Sis J fashion the window has been painted shut... nice. Using the closest sharp object (a screwdriver - thank god - Dad has been putting together a little curio cabinet up here for Mom for Christmas).... anyway, I pried the window open, scampered out onto the roof, sawed away at the rope, and finally freed Pops from his nad-pinching prison.

I made it down the stairs just about the time Dad made it through the front door, at which point Mom looked up at both of us and said...

"Did you remember to put all 3 reindeer up there this year? It looks stupid with just the two!"

Dad just stood there in stunned silence. "Well, it does," she said trying to keep a straight face.

I spent the rest of the day helping Dad test and put up lights. We finally finished just before dusk and plugged her in. As we turned to go inside the other houses on the block began to light up. By 7:00 all the neighbors lights were on in a blinking, flashing, blinding myriad of colors with all the grandeur of a Las Vegas Strip.


Getting home Sunday night and gazing at my little holiday wreath on the door I thought.... DAMN, keeping up with the Joneses SUCKS!

::smooches::
Mara

Happy HNT - Ok, today it sucks to be me... I'll give you a couple of clues as to why:

Yeah, you guessed it... oh.. and we can't forget the granny panties...

Yup people... there's just no gettin sexy with the granny panties ::sigh::

That's all you're gettin this week...

My crabby ass isn't taking a naked picture... however, nextweek, we'll negotiate. But for right now...

HAPPY HNT YA'ALL

::smooches::

Mara

P.S. I think PMS stands for Punishing Men Severly.... yes?