ROAD RAGE REVISITED

Good Morning Friends!! I don't know about all of you but I've been HUGE busy with the Halloween Holiday. I know that some people don't get into it.. but I'm not one of them.. Parties, Costumes, decorations... the works! So inbetween work, seasonal festivities and well... the after-effects of said activities, I'm a little pressed for time to sit down and write so I decided to dip into my archives. And you know I'd never leave you without a little something new... so at the end I'm sharing my favorite Halloween drink recipe ::grin:: 'Martian Piss'.

Therefore... without further adieu.... I give you..

Freeway Day Spa

Alright, so everyone knows that women are infamous for finishing their routine beauty rituals while in the car. Admittedly I think I'm probably one of the worst. I pretty much have a day spa in my car (prepared for anything as always).

So I'm driving along this morning putting on lip gloss, minding my own business, when some Neanderthal hogarbeast of a human BLARES his freakin clown car horn at me. So, wondering if I missed a light, failed to use my turn signal or had my skirt hanging out the car door ::I'm grasping at this point wondering why the nimrod honked at me:: I brake and look around. Well that must have really ticked him off. He pulled next to me and started yelling out his window... of course I don't know what he's yelling because ... uh my window's up - duh! Well the horrid little ogre follows me to the gas station and hops out. Oh Boy! He proceeds to scream at me about "*#%$! Women putting on their &%^@# makeup in their cars" ::sigh:: and I thought it was something serious. But this guy is irate! Well, never one to miss a golden opportunity for revenge I take stock of the parking lot: 2 business men, 1 woman and kid, and a big construction guy.... So what do I do... LOL what would any girl worth her salt do? I started crying... LOUD... Put the little arm up to fend him off. LOL... The construction guy followed by the two business men came to my aid and the woman went into the gas station and told the attendant who proceeded to call the police ::grin::

This is so fabulous I'm relishing it even as I retell it.

Well anyhow, the police officer was reeeeally nice... um to me. The guy got a ticket for road rage and a warning for harassment. To quote one of my favorite comedians, that little "rich, white, uptight, tofu-fartin fairy" got what he deserved. Mind your own damn business when you're driving your car! Dang... While he was busy chewing me a new one and not watching the road he could have caused an accident.

::smooches all:: Mara

**LOL, That happened this past June and is STILL funny... what a little hogarbeast. Ok, ok, ok... and as promised here is the recipe for 'Martian Piss'.

2- 2 liter bottles Mt. Dew
5th Vodka
12 Martian Bouncy Balls (you can get them out of those toy vending machines or buy them at WalMart...I friggin hate WalMart)

OK....
Put the bouncy balls in the freezer over night.
Chill the Mt. Dew and Vodka. Pour it into a punch bowl.
Add the bouncy balls and put it under a black light... it glows in the dark.

Yeah... I know.. WOW Mara... that was HARD... but it looks sweet as hell. Looks like everyone's drinking some sort of nuclear run off LOL....

Anyway... Have a GREAT HALLOWEEN EVERYONE.

::SMOOCHES::
Mara

P.S. I want you all to tell me what you think..
Q.) DO YOU THINK IT'S OK FOR A 20-SOMETHING CHILD TO GO TRICK-OR-TREATING... UM... JUST WONDERING.

Just a glimpse... to shy for more

Happy HNT

::smooches::

Mara

Men Think They Are Just Fart-tastic

From Jim Carey's infamous elevator "IT WAS MEEEEE" to the Shaggy -Scooby Fartathon in their first movie, men and their bodily expulsions have become a source of humor nationwide. Did anyone ever watch the movie Bio Dome where the dudes are ANALYZING their farts... "Tuesdays Cheetos, Poptarts and Red Dye #9".... Jesus Christ!

People, this is a very serious issue. It seems like wherever testosterone abounds so does the resounding sound of a well executed flatulate and the smell of old cheese, coupled with the hardy congratulations from friends on a 'job well done'. I'm telling you now... it's about as appealing as licking a dead toad.

Why this rant you ask? Well let me FRIGGIN TELL YA! My best friend (we'll call him TANGO) in the whole wide world happens to be a guy. I have known him FOREVER, any closer and we would be brother and sister. However, he, like so many other of his hideous species, finds farting absolutely hilarious. For Christ's Sake.. they still sit around and see who can make up the best verse to 'diarrhea Cha-Cha-Cha'! One of his favorites is to fart in the car and roll my window down so it all gets sucked out my way!

Alright.. so last night a bunch of us friends go out to a movie. Decided to see Serenity, it was decent. When we got out of the movie me and Kate went out to the car while TANGO and his friend went to 'drain the hose'- NICE.... apparently men don't go to the bathroom they 'drain hoses', 'drain the vein', 'let the snake spit', 'pinch off a loaf', 'make some bread'.... so friggin repulsive! AAANNNYYYWAY! Tango gets back out to the car, which I already have on because it's friggin freezin in this fuggin State right now, and him and his stoopid friend....(we'll call him BRAVO) just stand there in front of the car. Well, Kate and I are like.. WTF are they freakin doin out there???... when all of a sudden it hits us...... a waft of old cheese, rotten eggs and something dead RIGHT THROUGH THE VENTILATION SYSTEM BECAUSE THE FUCKING HEATER WAS ON! As my stomach turns and my face goes sour I look through the windshield to see Tango and Bravo waiting with baited breath to see if this has worked. First twitch of my nose and they start WHOOPING with unadulterated glee. Hopping the fuck up and down, slapping each others backs.... oooooh yesssss they are just soooooo funny!

You see friends... this is only one in a long line of stories I have regarding the primitive species called 'man' and their asshole acrobatics.

Earlier in the year while camping Kate, Maggie, myself and a few other campers sat around the campfire in disgusted and drunken awe as Tango, Bravo and another (we'll call him Delta) performed flatulatic feats of dexterity and skill. As we looked on, one by one these GROWN MEN proceeded to muster one up, flip their legs up in the air, hold a lighter to their ass and let one go, thus shooting a blue flame at least a foot long straight out their butthole. This was all except for Bravo who's flamage lacked the force of the other two and instead would create a blue ball of flame that traveled up the pantleg of his jeans before fizzling out.

This must have gone of for close to an hour... another point to ponder - do men have a never ending supply of gas?? WTF?? Anyway, about an hour into it Delta gets into position and lets one go... I mean this thing is friggin huge! Well he starts laughing so hard that, all of a sudden, the flame is cut off mid laugh. Well, it took 2 seconds and all fucking hell broke loose... you know how fires can create back drafts... UH HUH.... Delta now apparently has some INTERNAL BURNING going on... Holy Mother of God. He's on the beach, at the waters edge, dragging his ass across the tideline like a dog with a very sorry condition. We ended up actually taking his sorry ass to the ER where Tango and Bravo reiterated the story to the doctor on staff (also male) with childish glee.

The doctor laughed.

Well they fixed Delta up, gave him a prescription for some special ass cream and a bunch of medicated enemas.... CAN YOU IMAGINE.... and sent us on our way. I wonder what the insurance company thought when they got the report for that one?

Anyway, just sharing my misery. ::sigh:: This is yet another of the MANY reasons I'm so glad I'm not a man!

::smooches::

Mara

Dashing off to dance class..........................wait, did I forget something?
Happy HNT
::smooches::
Mara

TIPPY

Hey there again friends. I know I haven't posted in a few days... but as I stated earlier, I've been under a little stress at work. Actually the highlight of the week should actually be classified as more insanity than anything.

Have you ever come across anyone or anything that truly made you question the intelligence of our race as we know it. I mean, we all have a brain and most try to exercise it on a daily basis.... but I'm talking someone sooooo eccentric that they've crossed the line and gone from eccentric to DOWN RIGHT DISTURBING!

Well I was in the office Friday afternoon (I'm an exec assistant), when an interview was sent up to my office. I called into 'Mr. Boss Man' and told him that his interview..... let's call him 'Dingo'.... had arrived. 'Mr. Boss Man' asked me to inform 'Dingo' that he was wrapping up a meeting and would only be a second. After 10 minutes with no 'Mr. Boss Man' and 'Dingo' fidgeting in his seat like he had a flaming case of the crabs, I decided to ease his nervesand strike up a conversation.... it went something like this....

Mara: So... Dingo.... do you live far? Was it a long drive in?

Dingo: Not really, there was a huge traffic accident though. I drove right past it. Police, firetrucks, ambulances all over, I even got to see a body bag.

::wonderful... we're dealing with Dr. Dingo Death here::

Mara: Wow, I had heard that there had been an accident. I guess I didn't realize it was that serious. That's tragic.

Dingo: Yup

Mara: Sooo, um, what do you think of our office? Did you have any difficulty finding it?

Dingo: I like your Halloween decorations, is that cat a candy bucket.

(OK... we're going to stop right here for a second... WTF! Did I ask him about Halloween.. where the hell did that come from. Did he forget to take his friggin Ridilin? What the hell... did I offer you a fuggin snickers from my cat... friggin moronic, twitterpated imbicile)

Mara: Yes, that's my Halloween kitty candy basket.. she's kind of the office pet. ::lame laugh::

(Well the limp bonered nimrod helps himself to a HANDFUL of candy and sits back down... well allllrighty then!)

Mara: um.... help yourself....

Dingo: ::stupidly grins and nods:: So being that you've dubbed the candy basket the office pet does that mean that you like animals?

Mara: ????????? um.. actually, I love animals, how about you.

Dingo: Oh yeah, I'm a HUGE animal lover.

Mara: Really? What do you have?

Dingo: Nine Birds.

Mara: ?????????? NINE........ Birds. Wow, are any of them parrots?

(Now friends... one would have thought that I would have shut my mouth right there... I mean FUCK!! Nine birds... no wonder he doesn't have a wife, girlfriend, kids.... he's probably dwelling in a 1 bedroom apartment swelling with PARROT POOP!)

Dingo: Yeah.. all of them are parrots.

Mara: O.O ::big eyes:: Do any of them talk?

(Holy shit.. was that the wrong question to ask...as you will see in what follows, bad went to worse. For the next 25 minutes I was regaled with parrot-tales from this insipid little twit while 'Mr. Boss Man' was 'gonna be here in just a second'... ::mentally shrieks::)

Well, 'Dingo went into an entire dialogue about his talking parrots. Apparently 6 of the little feathered beasts can talk. He's been interviewing for the last couple of months and during that time his feathered apprentices have been learning a WHOLE LOT....

First I received the story of his little gray parrot that has a 200 word vocabulary and is intelligent enough to build on his vocabulary to the point of carrying on entire conversations all by himself... Sounded to me like 'Dingo' had carried on a few too many conversations 'all by himself'..... if you know what I mean. Anyway.. 'Dingo' told me that at all hours of the day and night this little gray would mimick telephone interviews:

Parrot: BRIINNNNGGGG BRIIIIINNNNGG
Parrot: Awwwwk.... HALLO!
Parrot: Yes.. this is Dingo
Parrot: Awwwk... Tuesday will be fine
Parrot: OK.. See you then
Parrot: Awwwwk!
Parrot: CLICK! Awwwwk!

The dude was frickin TALKING LIKE A PARROT IN MY OFFICE! But it didn't end there... oh no! Dingo proceded to tell me how difficult it is living with 9 parrots, 6 of which can talk... really Dingo? I never would have fucking guessed... you weird ass, feather fluffing, ornothologic pervert! He likened it to living with a bunch of 3 year olds... don't ask. Anyway he said that whenever he answers the phone 'Hello'... it breaks the entire group into a chorus of screeching HALLO! AWWWWKKK!!! HALLO!!!... while he's trying to talk on the phone. To make matters worse apparently he as a Macaw that is somewhat of the 'matriarch' of the group and knows how and when to use the phrase 'Shut up'... So imagine if you can... 'Dingo', sitting in my office, imitating his telephone call with 6 different parrot voices screeching "Hallo!" and one very high and very annoying falsetto voice screaming "SHUT UUUUUPPPP, SHUT UUUUUPPP!!"

About this time I hear a snort come from the office down the hallway... that would be Maggie. Now you see, Maggie and I have a deal. If either of us gets into a bad meeting we have a code word... we page the other person and say "You have an urgent call from Mildred on line 1"... lol... Mildred is such a great name. Anyway, I can hear Maggie snorting with laughter in her office and know I am doomed... no help from Maggie.. traitor.

Well, 'Dingo' calms himself down somewhat and grabs another handful of candy (which I'm personally thinking is a bad idea considering how frikkin hyper the dude is to begin with.) Just when I thought he was finished he looks up with eyes shining and says... "I really love my birds" Well... no friggin DUH ya freak! Then he says... "my favorite is the little gray.. his name is Tippy. We call him Tippy because he has a little balance problem. One minute he'll be sitting on his perch and the next minute... THUNK! He'll be laying on the bottom of his cage staring at you." In stunned silence I continue to listen to this bird loving hermit... "but you don't need to worry about Tippy," he says, "the very next minute he's back up on his perch"
At this point 'Dingo' begins pumping his arms back and forth while sitting in his chair in an immitation of 'Tippy' swinging on his perch. "Nope, not Tippy.... he can really get that perch swinging and every time he falls down he gets right back up and starts singing.....

Dingo: TIPPY FELL DOWN BUT TIPPY'S OK
Dingo: TIPPY FELL DOWN BUT TIPPY'S OK
::whistle::
Dingo: TIPPY FELL DOWN BUT TIPPY'S OK!

At this point we heard footsteps coming down the hallway.. 'Dingo' composed himself, cleared his throat (after all that fucking warbling), straightened his tie and shook hands with 'Mr. Boss Man'.

I sat is stunned silence as 'Dingo' was led off into his interview. From behind me I heard another snort as Maggie fell out into the hallway, red faced and literally dying of laughter... I ranted and raved at her for not helping me out to which she said she couldn't... she had been laughing too hard to pick up the phone. I wasn't truly mad... I would have done the same thing to her had situations been reversed!

An hour later 'Mr. Boss Man' and 'Dingo' came out from the interview. Maggie and I waited while he was shown to the door then both gathered at the door to 'Mr. Boss Man's' office.

Mara: So, what did you think?

Mr. Boss Man: ....::pregnant pause::..... Well.... I liked him!



O.O !!!! He plans to call and make 'Dingo' an offer today. HAPPY FUCKING MONDAY TO ME!

::smooches::
Mara

EXCUSES EXCUSES EXCUSES


Dear Readers,

I'm extremely sorry for the lack of post. Pressures at work have overloaded the tiny pixie's brain. Many of the pressures will lend themselves to good rants detailed within the next few days of posts....

Please accept my apology and allow me the next few hours to catch up :)

::smooches::
Mara

Sometimes Nothing Looks better than

Black & White

Happy HNT Friends!!

Take part in Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Support the race for the Cure.

15 WAYS TO HAVE FUN IN WALMART

Hello Friends!!

For any and all that happened to miss it... I have huge issues with WalMart. If you would like to read about it go to my August posts under 'Fecking I Can Do It Syndrome'. Miss Mara doesn't know how to do links in her posts LOL.


1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

5. Put some M&M's on lay away.

6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone."

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'

11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud....."Hey we're out of toilet paper! in here!"

::smooches::
Mara

My Friends Complicate Everything.... Even Disney World.

Over the weekend I thought and thought about what I was going to post on my freakin (excuse me... FORESKIN) blog today and finally decided to relay a story from this past April.

I went down to Florida with a group of friends around spring break... it's become a tradition ever since high-school. We've gone year after year and inevitably get into some kind of trouble every time: drunk with the Canadians at 16 and the parents had to take me to the ER for an allergic reaction to beer (try explaining that one), bungy jumped for the first time and screamed my bloody head off, snorkeled with sharks for the first time and hyperventilated though the snorkel to the point of black out..... good times people... good times.

ANYWAY... this year I went down with my usual group of girls, doing the usual bunch of things we usually do while we're down there. Before I left I had gone to Media Play hoping to get something entertaining for the CD player on the drive down (half the fun is driving down people).... flashing the other cars, video taping other drivers (amazing what people will do in front of a strangers camera). Well I had some music along with Monty Python (completely Spanish Inquisitionlicious), Bill Engvall (something about Dorkfish - huckin filarious), and good ol' Larry the Cable Guy.

Now if you've never listened to Larry the Cable Guy here are a couple of pointers... he's disgusting, racist, biased and absolutely the biggest fucking hilarious redneck I have ever heard. Midget prostitutes, fat ladies in hammocks - yeah, they call that a T-back, and retards in the Bass Pro Shop.

So the bit about the retards in the Bass Pro Shop had the entire car just rolling every time we heard the damn thing. I laughed until I thought I was gonna friggin piss my pants. In it he talks about doin community service for a drunk driving charge by driving retards back and forth to Sunday School.... it is so freaking terrible, politically incorrect, god awful... and probably the funniest thing I've ever heard!. So on the way back from church he goes into a bit about taking them into the Bass Pro Shop....he's trying to keep them from eating the stink bait when an advertisement comes over the intercom with "50 CENTS OFF WIGGLE WORMS"... then he's got the whole group of them screaming "WIGGOW WUURM, WIGGOW WUURM".... Now if you could hear this you would be dying too.

So about the third day into the trip we head off to MGM studios. My parents usually come down about the same time because I have a sister that's still in school... she brings a friend.. it's a family thing.. blah blah blah.. Anyway, we usually meet up with them somewhere along the way... and this time it was MGM studios. HERE'S WHERE IT GETS GOOD.... so we pull up to the parking attendant booth... me on the right side and dad on the left. We had just been listening to Larry and the attendant looked in and asked a question to my friend Kathy... "Where did you ladies come from"... Kathy (I could have strangled her) used her best re-knob voice and screamed MICHIGAN!!!.... which ensued a resounding and VERY LOUD chorus of WIGGOW WUURM, WIGGOW WUURM, WIGGOW WUURM... accompanied by convulsive bodily movements and drooling from the crew in the back of the vehicle. The guy gave me a sympathetic look and said.... "Oh... you're from the school?". I didn't quite hear him... but Kathy did and began screaming "WUURMS IN DA SCOO, WUURMS IN DA SCOO". I just wanted to get the hell out of there.. completely embarrassed.. red faced and ready to die. I went to hand him the $8.00 to park and he told me it was taken care of and to follow the parking lot to the right. I thought Mom and Dad had paid for me to park.. they're always doing sweet stuff like that........ not the case. When I reached 'said parking lot' I found to my utter MORTIFICATION that we were INDEED with the SCHOOL. A 'SPECIAL' school from MICHIGAN was visiting Disney MGM Studios and the parking attendant had actually BELIEVED we were part of the group. I could have died....

God.. I'm tired just retelling that..

Anyway, it was the joke of the century and always gets brought up when the friends get together and the wine is flowing..

Just thought I'd share another day in the life of a pixie.

::smooches::
Mara

HAPPY HNT!!

God Created Woman

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender

Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing.

*********

LOL!! SORRY LADIES... I JUST HAD TO

::smooches::
Mara

Joke of the Day

I just love this... ::grin::

::smooches::

Mara

BUSH
WHACKERS!
The Ultimate in Hair Removal

* Quick
* Safe
* Virtually Painless


Gone are the days of smuggling Chubakka in your undershorts.

This brand new, state of the art hair removal system is guaranteed to give PROFESSIONAL results every time in the privacy of your own home.

Results may vary by user. Please read and follow all instructions carefully.

Bush Wackers Hair Removal system has not yet been approved for medical use by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) in the United States or by the appropriate regulatory authorities in Europe. Mara-Ventures LTD assumes no responsibility for the misuse or mishandling of this product.

Possible side effects may include: Pain or Swelling in the generalized area, skin discoloration, scabbing, irritation, bruising, weeping, seeping, spontaneous combustion, tics, reduced appetite, headache, fatigue, vomiting, seizures, increased appetite, bloating, nausea, insomnia, irritability, depression, anxiety, increased blood pressure, difficulty breathing, hoarseness or wheezing, hives, paleness, weakness, a fast heart beat or dizziness, and swelling of the throat, drowsiness, hearing loss, dry mouth, muscle aches, chills, sterility, birth defects, paranoia, psychosis and possibly death.

So toss those razors, toss that Nair and get rid of nasty body hair.... with all new Bush Wackers!!
YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU TRIED IT!

::smooches::

Mara

Spooktacular Suggestions Please!

Well it's that time of year again people...trixy treats and all that jazz. The time when parents dress their children up as the 'little beasts' they truly are and set them free to run wild in the streets doing the one thing they have ALWAYS PREACHED to their children never to do - take candy from strangers.

Actually, I love Halloween. I love seeing the little heathens all dressed up. I love the fall weather - crisp nights, bon fires, hot cider, warm cinnamon sugar donuts (great, now I'm drooling).

ANYWAY..... the reason for this post is MY COSTUME!!!...... you MUST know that it has to be fabulous. I'm a ::grin:: professional Halloweener ::smirk:: from waaaaay back. I love this holiday. AND as a PROFESSIONAL Halloweener I have to have a most fantastic costume every year. Now people.. we are not talking just ANY go out to the store and spend $100 on a sleazy pink pleather Austin Powersesque bimbo suit complete with CFM boots and an 'I couldn't be any blonder if I tried' wig.... OH NO.... I make... yes, you heard it right... MAKE all of my own costumes.

I think my all time favorite that I made was Medusa... it was a wicked ass costume... and I turned all the skin that was showing gold... it was sweet.... hair, skin, snakes... everything.. gold... and then the black dress with python trim... it was sweet..

Ok.. so we've established that I'm somewhat crafty here... Yet... I'm having issues coming up with the perfect costume this year... something that will strike fear in the hearts of the children I'm giving candy to... ::thinking , thinking , thinking::

Well.... here's what I've come up with..

I thought about a witch... I know, LAME... BUT..... if I were to do the witch thing I would have some kids that I know who are a little too old for trick-or-treating locked in cages on the front porch and me stirring the cauldron with the steam rolling out (dry ice people) Of course the teenage bratlings would be paid to moan and shriek mournfully.... pleading for help to escape their inevitable demise.... hmmm... oh er.. well I was getting into the part a little bit there... It would of course be a FABULOUS witch costume... and I would probably bring my fat orange kitty Moses - I taught him to give 'high-fives' he freakin rocks.

Or....

I could go as Santa Clause. I'm figuring when the kiddies come to the door and scream "TRICK OR TREAT" I'll look over the top of my wire rim glasses and back down at my Naughty/Nice list... tisk my tongue and tell them "I'm sorry... as of October 2005 you are on the Naughty List, if I were you I would be a really good boy/girl until Christmas or you ain't seein squat under that tree!" I'm sure so many parents would appreciate me ::smirk::...

I'm just not sure... I'm open to other suggestions too.. Give me your thoughts, opinions, suggestions, comments... I love hearing from you guys.

::smooches::
Mara

Saturday October 1st, 2005

Dear Piece of Shit,

I had an awful dream about you last night, which has prompted me to tell you this.

Last summer when I confronted you about cheating on me, I became a towering inferno of rage and disbelief which quickly turned into tears of sadness and disappointment.

When you left the house, I read every single letter you and Nancy exchanged while you and I were not only together, but about to share our 2 year anniversary.

When I had reached my bullshit quota, I turned off the computer, went to the bathroom and looked at the disgusting, slimy, poop smeared, crusty toilet. The back of the toilet was all sweaty from the heat of the summer and from behind I could see the squashed body parts of month old bug carcasses that had never been cleaned up. The bathroom was your job - remember? I could feel the chunks of my breakfast start to rise in my throat. It began to burn from the pot of black coffee I had been drinking earlier.

I lifted the toilet seat, positioned myself correctly, and waited to barf. While I waited, I began to examine the underside of the toilet seat. "Disgusting bastard," I thought. You had always pissed in a careless manner. Aimlessly disposing of your smelly excretions, oblivious to the fact that it was splattering on, around, and even out of the toilet. You did everything but actually get the piss in the bowl. Over time, I noticed, most of it had dried up and crusted onto the porcelain. It had turned brown and was flaking off. "You were always a filthy, godless son of a bitch, weren't you?" I muttered to myself.

I noticed that the urge to vomit was replaced by an overwhelming urge to clean. But with what? I glanced around the bathroom, searching for the nearest abrasive-like tool. Something -- anything -- to teach that nasty toilet a lesson. And there it was.

Your mother fucking toothbrush.

p.s. You're still using that thing.